I Hate That I don't Hate You At All

This is my own original fanfic for the series All For The Game. It is a character study/dream sequence/proposal scene and is M\M. The title is from the movie "10 Things I Hate About You" (because it's one of the best movies ever made). Thanks for reading :)

Andrew Minyard hated the sun. He hated the heat soaking into his black clothes, hated the way it made his skin wet with sweat, hated that he was still out here anyway because of a stupid boy with stupid red hair and stupid blue eyes. Andrew Minyard hated a lot of things, but most of all, he hated Neil Josten.

After living together for several years, he had become accustomed to this – falling for Neil’s pleas for him to come along on his morning run, telling him yes just so he could see him smile. He had learned that maybe his junkie was on to something when it came to running helping him to stop thinking and getting rid of the residue left behind by his nightmares.

Today was different. Today Andrew Minyard did not agree to go running to fight off a nightmare - he agreed so he could fight off a dream, a dream that disturbed and confused him so much it may as well have been a nightmare. The dream was something he could not bring himself to tell Neil about, no matter how many questioning looks had been sent his way this morning when Andrew woke up silent and stayed that way.

He could remember how it started out – the way he opened his eyes to see his idiot in front of him, hair on fire in the dying sun, icy blue eyes warm with something Andrew could never bring himself to name. They were in a chapel, both of them standing at an altar holding hands with Wymack standing behind them to officiate their wedding. His clean cut suit was pristine black, emphasizing his broad shoulders the way Neil liked, while Neil’s own suit was a dark blue, bringing out the darker flecks in his eyes and exposing his wonderfully slim figure. He looked beautiful. He looked like something Andrew could never deserve. Looking around, he realized they were not alone – all the Foxes were there, his family (that he had begrudgingly accepted) had come to see them get married, every single one of them sitting in a chair and beaming with happiness.

His attention snapped back to Wymack when the man started speaking to him – “do you, Andrew Minyard, take Neil Josten to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Andrew had frozen.

Did he take Neil to be his husband? Is that what he wanted?

They say that dreams are a manifestation of our true desires, that our mind shows them to us when we sleep because it is what we subconsciously want most. At that moment, with Neil looking at him like that, waiting for him to say “I do”, he had no idea what the hell he was going to say.

It was at that point that he had felt a movement beside him in the bed, and his eyes had snapped open. He had found Neil staring right back at him, eyes openly fond and warm, body so relaxed and untroubled in the first minutes of their brand new day.

Andrew Minyard hated many things, but as much as he tried to convince himself, he could not bring himself to hate being with Neil Josten.

He had looked across at him for a long time, neither of them bothering to call the other out on staring. He had not even covered Neil’s eyes that morning, wanting to analyse what he had seen in his dream and compare it to what he was seeing in front of him.

What Andrew Minyard had found that morning, was that being with Neil Josten was the only thing that he could possibly imagine doing for the rest of his life. That he had let himself so so very close to Neil to a point where he could not detach himself now even if he had wanted to. He had lost. Despite his past, despite his solid rules to never allow himself to be with someone like this, he had let Neil slip through the cracks and right into the small place in his heart where maybe, perhaps, there was still life. He had let him into a garden that he was so sure was dead and lifeless, and was now confronted with Neil bringing that garden to life.

He had lost. He didn’t know how to tend to flowers, but there was a whole patch of them growing in his chest and blooming every time he had Neil beside him.

Andrew Minyard did not belong to anyone, could never belong to anyone, but perhaps he could belong with Neil Josten, and that was the thought that scared him enough to get him out of bed without another glance back at the boy lying there.

After their morning coffee, Neil had asked if he had wanted to go running with him, perhaps sensing he needed to forget about whatever he had seen in his sleep.

Andrew had grabbed his shoes and keys, and that was more than enough of a reply for Neil.

Currently on their run, Neil had slowed down to a walk in front of a donut shop. Giving Andrew a teasing smile, he went inside to get all of Andrew’s favourites and some ridiculously sweet Frappuccino for him to drink on their walk back. It was this – these sweet gestures of understanding, the smiles he gave knowing that they would be unreturned, the incredible way Neil could read the slightest shift in Andrew’s body or expression and know exactly what he was feeling – that allowed him to make up his mind.

Neil never judged him. Never begrudged the days when Andrew could barely get out of bed or touch him or look at him. Never stopped looking at him like he was the centre of his universe, despite knowing exactly the kind of man that he was.

Andrew Minyard hated a lot of things. He hated when Kevin gave him 5 minute lectures on the benefits of eating healthy, hated when Nicky asked too many questions about his relationship, and he hated when Allison could cash in bets based on him.

But most of all, he hated the idea of being without them as his family, and the most important part of his family was Neil.

That, right there, was the moment that Andrew decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Neil. Though nothing in his life was permanent – not the foster families, not the time spent in juvie, not the abuse he went through – this was one thing he was sure he could make permanent and wanted to. He had come a long way from his days as “the monster”, had healed in ways he never thought possible, and now he was ready.

Ready to begin a new chapter of his life.

Ready to become someone almost normal.

Being with Neil had not healed him, had not given him a magical cure to his mental illness – sure he would always have his bad days and extreme nights – but being with Neil had given him something to fight for, someone to push his boundaries and learn to heal for.

This was what Andrew could finally admit to himself. He loved Neil. He wanted to be with him for a very long time.

That evening on their balcony, sitting on chairs and watching the cold sun fade into the horizon, cigarettes hanging loose in their fingers, Andrew took Neil’s palm and dropped a ring into it.

He seemed confused.

“You don’t have to take it Neil. It’s a yes or a no.”, he said, so softly into the air between them.

Looking into Neil’s eyes at that moment he saw the vulnerability, the love, the fear in making a decision like this. Neil was frozen to the spot, wide eyed like a deer in the headlights, and so Andrew took the ring back out of his palm.

“Wait.” Neil said. “It’s a yes. It’s always a yes with you Andrew.”

And that was the moment that Andrew Minyard put the ring onto Neil Josten’s finger, and finally made this thing between them official.